Thirteen Inches Too Tall, Eight Pounds Too Heavy, Four Hours Too Long of Pure Arrogance

By John Flemming

The show opens under an arc of Swarovski crystals. Enter, stage right, Hugh Jackman, the world’s sexiest man alive – yes, even sexier than Obama! Apparently in the realm of appropriating levels of sexiness, accents go a long way these days. Speaking of accents: as soon as Mr. Jackman opened his mouth to speak, revealing those beautiful, artificially whitened choppers, I was instantly reminded “I’m so fortunate I get to listen to his Aussie accent for the next three hours of my life”. Scratch that. Make it four hours.

And what was his first utterance? Well I can’t be entirely sure but from what I could comprehend I think it was a reference to something he has no real working knowledge of, nor is affected by: the economy.

So, under the glimmer of a hundred thousand crystals and in front of a live audience with a collective GDP that rivals that of small countries, Mr. Jackman and the writers of the grandiose 81st Oscar ceremony possessed the audacity to suggest that their little production was being affected by the economy and thus experienced significant budget cuts.

Goodbye, Hugh’s entrance by - fuel-efficient, nonetheless - jetpack apparatus. Goodbye, the resurrection of showbiz great, Houdini, who was going to provide a satisfying demonstration of Mickey Rourke’s magical reappearance. Goodbye, five ton dropping of gold leaves by the single living flock of Californian Condors at the end of the first song of Oscars: The Musical.

America will have to settle for Oscars Lite, for Oscars 64 calories, for Oscars blue-light special. America will have to settle for your mockery of low budget, expenses cutting lifestyles. America will have to digest your insult of individuals who break a sweat not because of the auditorium spotlights or because they get paid six figures to dance around like idiots waving their smooth, impeccably manicured jazz hands, but because they’ve endured the hardships of a trying job and still have to worry about putting food on the table.

The shameless hypocrisy of Hollywood is enraging. They inject their two-cent normative prescription for the economic crisis every chance allotted to them – which are many, due to the inexplicable importance given to their opinions (remind me again, who is that actor with the PhD. in economics? You know, that one guy…with the hair and the eyes. I guess I must have been mistaken; that guy, has a PhD. in scientology) – yet, who are they to preach realistic practices of fiscal responsibility?

As the camera pans the nervous faces of the noble, honorably nominated celebrities before the sacred envelope is opened and the winner announced remember that their anticipation is alien. It is not the same anticipation that many Americans feel when they see such an envelope. These actors aren’t nervous that inside that envelope is a bill that can’t be paid, an eviction notice, a pink slip. No, these actors are nervous because they might be so fortunate enough to receive a golden trophy that validates their vanity. A 13 ½ inches tall and a robust 8 ½ pounds of golden insult that many would pawn off to supplement their next paycheck or lack thereof.

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A Few Other Thoughts:

• Who thinks Hugh Jackman is better suited for Broadway? I do. The creators of the new X-Men film should consider making it a musical and employing the limited talent of Jackman to its full potential.
  

• Downey Jr. or Jack Black would have made excellent hosts. Or even perhaps Ben Stiller as a comatose Joaquin Phoenix; the less bull excrement out of these celebrities' mouths the better for society (usually) and the shorter of an awards marathon.
  

• "Angelina is like my favorite person of all time" - Miley Cyrus. Wow. It is obvious that this 16 year old has never cracked open a history book or any book for that matter. No MLK? No Gandhi? Nobody of moral substance? Yet another instance of the American education system failing our generation. Idolize the sensational, void-of-historical-importance individuals and forget the exceptional people who have sacrificed so much for the advancement of humankind.
  

• When did Goldie Hawn become a body builder? Is it me or she looked ridiculously buff? Has she been hitting the gym with some MLB team trainers? Maybe Hugh was right about the 'roids. Someone assemble a Senate investigative committee.
  

• Someone please remind Jessica Biel that the Oscars are not a college toga party.
  

• John Legend sounded awful. Never, ever, under no circumstances, allow him to sing outside of a recording studio where that "magic" that makes him seem like a good artist happens.
  

• James Franco and Seth Rogen killed it. Especially James Franco, who's performance in Pineapple Express and in last night's skit was outstanding. This was one of the few truly enjoyable moments of the night.